Sadly, I have no squirrel weapons of any kind, but I figured a broom might be my best weapon of defense - I wasn't interested in killing any of them as much as herding them away from me so I could get to my cell phone (which was stupidly in the kitchen) without getting any bites. However, I figured they must be pretty tame - I mean, I'm fairly certain the reason all this started was because those fucktards who had the apartment before me were feeding them on the fire escape. I just needed to get to my purse and call - ok, I hadn't figured out who to call yet, since it was three in the morning and this wasn't really an emergency. Maybe if I could get them back in the office and close the door? I don't know. I slipped on my boots, hoisted the broom into whack-a-mole position, and tip-toed into the small hallway, then stepped into the kitchen and flipped on the light.
From the kitchen counter, from the stacks of books, from my exercise bike, from the table - squirrels, everywhere, froze. Big, fat glossy creatures stared up at me with bright beady eyes, and I stared back. I think we were all too astonished and afraid of each other to make a first move. Which was probably for the best, because as I turned to the living room area, something stepped out of the shadows and made the first move for all of us.
"What the fuck," I croaked. "What the holy living FUCK is going on!"
"This is the LAST FUCKING TIME I USE SQUIRRELS." Herbert the Centipede Overlord slithered into standing position, as he threw a wet sack of flesh onto the floor with a wave of his black legs. It slid across the floor in a slick of blood, resting at my feet. "I told those stupid creatures to bring me the head of Jack Haringa, and all they brought me were his nuts."