Livia Llewellyn (livia_llewellyn) wrote,
Livia Llewellyn
livia_llewellyn

My new apartment comes with free squirrels!

Yes, that's right! A family of squirrels has chewed and burrowed its way into the outside wall of the apartment, right below and to the side of the window in what will eventually, probably months from now after many painful days and nights of restoration to a somewhat livable state, be my office. How do I know this?

1) Squirrel head popping out of wall. OMG, where is rest of body? Is my apartment haunted by freakishly disembodied squirrel heads? Hmmm. Time to get my poking stick.

2) After quick wall-poking by said stick, squirrel body follows head out of wall, followed by another squirrel, followed by much chattering and screaming and waving of nuts and body parts by all parties.

3) Standoff: after minutes of glaring, no bitch will surrender disputed apartment wall territories.

4) Larger, angrier mammal suddenly FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and throws giant box at smaller mammals. Smaller mammals retreat down fire escape, only to turn back and give me the finger. Also, their eyes turn deep glowing red and the Mark of the Beast melts onto my window. Ok, maybe that was just dirt, but... I THINK NOT.

Honestly, unless I can train these squirrels to wear laser-beam helmets and carry wee flamethrowers so I can send my new unholy army of mammals out into the night to destroy my enemies and bring back groceries and laundry, I don't see how we can peacefully occupy the same space. I called the super. He'll be filling in the hole asap. In the meantime, my new office is the kitchen. It seems to be fairly - wait - what's that strange pulsating nest in the corne-
Tags: moving
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