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When Scales Attack!

Old Scale: O Livia, U R SEW THIN!!! <3 <3 <3
Me: OMG I <3 U 2! But-
Old Scale: What! What? No-!
Me: I have to get a new scale.
Old Scale: NOOOO!
Me: You have done well, grasshopper. But you R many years old, and tired. You deserve to rest.
Old Scale: NOOOOO!!!! I R AKURATE! New Scale will HATE U!
Me: It's ok. New Scale will <3 me as much as you do, but U will alwayz have a speshul place in mah THIN HOTT heart!
puts Old Scale in trash bucket...
Old Scale: ::sob!::

Two hours later...

Me: Ok, New Scale: do U <3 as much as Old Sca-- WHAT THE FUCK!!!1! U BE STEALIN MAH THINNYNESS!
New Scale: Bitch, you are FAT.
Me: How did I just gain ten pounds? I didn't weigh ten pounds more on Old Scale!
New Scale: I am accurate. Also: MOOOOOOO.
Me: OMG how can you SAY that?
New Scale: I am New Scale, fucktard. And you are a MOO COW.
Me: NO! I R HOTT 'N' THIN!
New Scale: Holy shit get off me, bitch! You're stealing mah circuitry with your fattitude!
Me: U R SEW MEAN!
New Scale: AARRRGGG! GARGLE GAH! STEP DOWN, FATTY McBIG-PANTS!!
Me: ELEVENTY-ONE!
New Scale: You wished you weighed eleventy-one pounds, butt-cakes. GET OFF ME!
Me: THIS IS A NIGHTMARE! Where is Old Scale? Old Scale, save me! U R MAH ONLY HOPE!
from trash bucket...
Old Scale: Fuck off, Lardy Girl. I R retired!
New Scale: Heh heh heh. Ok, show's over. Grab a baby carrot and get to the gym, Miss Chunk-A-Lot.
Me: ::sobs:: Yes, Master...
New Scale: Man, it's gonna be a long haul… that bitch is kraaaazy.
from trash bucket...
Old Scale: Welcome to my hell, chromey new bitch, welcome to mah hell...

Tags:

Marine Autumn

I owe you marine autumn
With dankness at its roots
and fog like a grape
and the graceful sun of the country;
and the silent space
in which sorrows lose themselves
and only the bright crown
of joy comes to the surface.

--Pablo Neruda.


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