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All my dreams are coming true!

You know, at the hideous old age of almost-45, I'd come to accept that I was never going to get married, so I never thought about courtship and proposals and whatnot, because I assumed it wasn't going to happen. Well, never say never, peeples: this morning I received my very first proposal! It also happened to be my very first proposal by email, my very first proposal from a stranger, and my very first proposal from a mysterious and possibly dangerous foreigner from PARIS - it's like all these dusty old hopes and dream of mine are springing magically back to life! But of course I immediately realized I needed to share my Proposal Joy with all of you, because you know I'm generous like that. So sit down, pull out your Kleenex, and get ready to shed copious tears of laughter and love at this very special 1800 word email juggernaut of romance, passion and Poor Grammar!

MY INTRANETS PROPOZAL: LET ME SHOW U IT!

I'm 27 years old, with different origins,
looking for a couple's life .. . I'm originally
from madeira ( a portuguese island ) &
tunisia. Dad's tunisian & mom's from madeira.
My parents met in uk where i've born &
i left england when i was 1 year old .. . & lived
in france till today. =I'm not a present physically
but well, it depends what you look for in
a couple's relationship, & it really costs
me nothing to send you a letter :) absolutely
nothing .. . Well, i've never really worked
till today, because i had the oportunity to
be supported for a long time by my parents
who are living in a detached house actually.
They've lent me their old apartment.
I've never got to work because there
wasn't any good reason in my life to do it.
& also because i've wasted a lot of time
thinking about music, & spending nights
with receptionists who are friends, in a
local hotel in paris.
[thank god - this means I can be the breadwinner, and fuck sailors for shiny coins every night to put food on our table]
I've never worked
because, i wasn't seeing any interest in
doing it, i was also empty, lost spiritually
& wasn't really looking for my second half.
[if your second half is anything like your first half, stop looking. seriously.]
I was absorbed by music composition, &
lost my time with it, in deep depression, not
knowing that i was avoiding a normal life with
a woman i could have loved. But my family's
big here, so i will always find a place in any
administration, or i can always find a place
in a warehouse to package anything. I don't
worry about it, i can get that right away, if
i see that we both can make a life together.
The problem was that i've denied the fact that
music couldn't be a benefit, professionally .. .
That there could be no gvarantee. That's why,
i want to first, start to make my life, get a stupid
job & work all nights, in that project, until
i'll finally get a contract. Cause that's what
i always wanted to succeed with, in my life.
I want to get involved in a serious relationship,
because today, i'm 27 years old, & i forgot
to live with too much interest i gave to
composition of music.
[read: I need someone to pay my bills whilst I continue to avoid paying work and fuck local hotel receptionists]
I've never went to
a concervatory & did it in a self-taught way.
That's why it takes a while to arrange any
melodies .. . That's one of my main
difficulties in it, but apart from that &
as long as i don't know today, if i'll ever
get a contract as a composer. I just want
to have a basic & normal life with a woman
i'd love, & have my own family. My interests
in composition are related to soundtracks.
But i like any kind of music that has a valuable
melody or arrangment .. . I dont know
wich language you speak, but we might
communicate in english, or in french ... .
I speak french, english, portuguese, &
spanish because of my origins :) I have a
brother who's 19 years old & who has his
own private life. we're very different from
each other, & don't communicate a lot.
We're very private, he has his life, i have
mine. I'm not very communicative with
family cause i like my privacy & want
to stay in my world .. . School was never
important to me, cause in fact .. . even if
i became a book keeper, it would have never
been a pride to make studies & do that kind
of job in the end. I started to study that
before, but when i saw the counting plan
& the teacher said, you see this plan ?
well you will have to know almost every
counts of it (around 50 000 references )
at the end of the 2 years .. . I said all right,
i'm not a machine, many thanks but that's
not for me :) I was 18 years old, & then

[BLAH BLAH BLAH OMG WON'T THIS GUY SHUT THE FUCK UP?]

i started to be interested in musical
composition until today. So if we got
along together, i'd get a first job just to have
our own life & privacy & still keep working
at nights with my other project. Do you
understand that, in france, you wouldn't
have the same qualifications, & your studies
in your country like your language barrier
wouldn't help you to get the same job ?
& i don't want you to have a dirty job
just because of an obsession with money.
If we got along together, i wouldn't want it
for my woman, ever. I wanted to find my
future bride abroad because women of
western europe are too materialist, superficial
and conformist in general.
[because as we all know, American women are prized abroad for being thought of as the exact opposite...]
And i love the way
some foreign languages sound, even if i don't
understand a word, i'm interested in the
differences of my future partner. I will be
pleased to kiss your neck, hands and other
parts during our intimate moments of life
while listening to you telling me words
in your native language.
[for me, those words would be HELP, OH GOD NO, KILL ME NOW]
I will find that
cute, because my own languages bores
me :) I would also like to kiss, love,
& caress your feet, all my life long .. .
In fact i don't consider myself as a
fetishist.
[Please keep this in mind as you continue to scroll down]
If other people consider that
as fetishism, then they take it like something
useless & derisory .. . Like social garbage
who keeps trying to ostracize simple & vital
acts of life, for modern literature or the medias.
Those people are usually interested in tiits & holes
in a woman's body which is very restrictive in
sexualiity, treating them like a piece of meat all
their lives. I love candid women's feet, & you
should know, that if their odor's not exciting
to you, their effect is totally different on me. &
that's simply because your perspiration liberates
feromones which excites me with subtlety,
& you couldn't get excited by your own sexual
hormones .. . I find it beautiful to take care of your
woman's feet when you're deeply involved in a
relationship. It's one of the things i wouldn't like
you to refuse me :)
[or I'll have to chop your head off, feed it to the pigs, and just keep your feet - but no pressure, honey!]
Women should be kissed
and consumed from head to feet,
[after being covered in sauce and broiled for three hours - make sure to baste constantly]
& sexuality
should always be an art, reviewed and
rediscovered in permanence to entertain
the passion. Your feet are very sensitive,
one of the most sensitive parts of your body
as well, nervously connected to your whole
organs & involving great feelings of relaxation
& attention to them can indirectly prevent some
diseases. By kissing and adoring them and
feel excited by the erogenic part of your feet,
i can transmit with my aura, my most intimate
affection and deepest love to your spirit through
those slight kisses & caresses .. .Do you think
you can send me a close-up picture of your feet ?
[BUT I'M NOT SOME FREAKY FOOT FETISHIST!]
please try to send that but keep in mind that it's
accessory, as long as i may eventually have them
in our conjugal life, my heart. Reply to this letter
frankly if you feel psychologically ready to live
in couple
[I'm having some disturbing images of infestations and egg-laying here...]
and conceive a family with a man
abroad in your actual life, Only. You have to
feel ready for that because i am not looking
basic schoolyard friendship or aimless virtual
boredom & internet flirting. I am tired of vanity
in life and don't want to spoil my lifetime
uselessly anymore .. . Life has no secrets
for anyone, if you show antipathy &
negativity, you will always get the same
in return, and if you show affection and
human grace, you might as well be loved
in return. We can learn and we have all life
to know each other if your intentions of
a family's life are good. You won't ever
be able to pretend to love me because
you have experienced life with me
and know the name of my parents or
jackets.
[he's right about that - I don't think I'll be able to pretend deep and eternal love for this stranger because - wtf jackets?]
Love has no contract, love is a
pure feeling & instinct. People who are able
to love have their hearts fulfilled with love.
Love has different steps but if you have a
gracious soul, you will open it without any
deals of any nature. In that case, if you really
want to experience life like me, more than
ever, what we should do is join ourselves
but you have to make your own efforts &
also pay your trip or make economies, &
i wouldn't do it because in life, you give &
take.
[no comment needed]
And i'll be the one supporting you for
the rest of my life, in the name of our love.
Being a born woman, doesn't grant you any
merits. Like being a born man, we have done
nothing for that. You also have to understand
that your qualifications or studies of any
kind won't ever be useful abroad, but if
you do or do not have a job here, it's not
a real problem, you can be a homebody
and wife, a lot of women like to stay at
home, it's a privilege
[read: I have a nice warren of Austrian-style cellar rooms to keep you safe]
when others realise
that their frenetic desire of freedom brought
them to a hard life, waking up every mornings
under the pounding sun or rain. & jobs are
substantial, & never a pleasure, or a glory
in life. You, me and our baby might be the
glory of our existence on earth. That is more
interesting and essential. Knowing that the
immigration services are always annoying,
i shall fertilize you when we'll be together
which will oblige the authorities to grant
you a right of residence.
[and they say romance is dead - well, I'm pretty sure my vagina just up and died right this moment, anyway...]
And there is
nothing wrong with it as long as we both
want it in our hearts. We could go back to
your country once every two years to see
your familly for holidays which is natural.
If you're really ready to live your life with
me, i should advise you to take a stagecoach
in direction to Paris. Because planes are
expensive.
[O_o ok...erm, I'll contact the R'lyeh Underwater Livery Service and ask for their fastest sea-pony-driven coach]
Reply me if interested & if you are,
when would you like to join me here. Warm
kisses to your lovely hands, chest, navel,
nose, ears, forehead and lovely soles, [BUT I'M NOT A FOOT-FUCKER!!]

Roberto (France)


Ps: Reply back if interested in my proposal
of commitment abroad with me in Paris,
in your actual life only.
[so I guess that big expensive Second Life wedding is off? Mom was right: actual life men are all pigs! ::bursts into tears::]

Wow. Did I tell you? Don't be jealous, though - I'm sure many of you will be getting a similar proposal in your email today. In fact, I'm fairly certain it'll be the exact same one.

Tags:

Marine Autumn

I owe you marine autumn
With dankness at its roots
and fog like a grape
and the graceful sun of the country;
and the silent space
in which sorrows lose themselves
and only the bright crown
of joy comes to the surface.

--Pablo Neruda.


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