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Insommnia, Part Eleventy

Haven't been posting much - my work situation sort of ate up my life for a while there. Everything is, er, ok now. By "ok", I mean that I've resigned myself to the fact that if I want to keep my job, I have to accept the fact that there will always be someone there trying to fuck with me. Bleh. Then again, every company has its share of assholes - who oddly always seem to be irremovable from the workplace - so it's not like I should be surprised. I was, however, a bit blindsided by the amount of sheer hatred and fuck-uppery that was hurled my way. I tend not to hate people because active hatred uses up a lot of time and energy - I don't have excess amounts of either for other people, and I don't like handing over that kind of power to people who don't deserve it. To have that kind of energy expended by someone else on behalf of destroying a good portion of my life is rather astonishing, especially when it's someone who stands to gain nothing by my leaving or being fired. It's probably best that I don't know why. I don't want to know, I just want to do my job and go home.

I got up an hour ago, at about 2:30am, freaking out over the fact that I'm leaving for Europe in about 18 hours. I've been packing for an hour now, because I can't get back to sleep. I also cleaned out the fridge, swept the floors, and folded laundry. And I drank half a bottle of Pepto Bismal. Yum! I have to admit, I hate flying - I'm not afraid of flying, I just hate the whole miserable process of it. Security checks and pat-downs, the smell of the corridors, disgusting bathrooms (why can't women pee into the toilet instead of all over it?), screaming babies (and adults), cramped seats and strange elbows "accidentally" slamming into my waist to make me give up the arm rest, that horrible pain in my lower back after just an hour of sitting at some oddly reclined angle... I've never minded the food, though, even when it was really bad. Maybe because it's the only thing not shrieking into a cellphone or bouncing up and down the aisles.

Time to try to sleep again. Next post will be on the other side of the ocean.

Tags:

Marine Autumn

I owe you marine autumn
With dankness at its roots
and fog like a grape
and the graceful sun of the country;
and the silent space
in which sorrows lose themselves
and only the bright crown
of joy comes to the surface.

--Pablo Neruda.


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